Why do we make decisions that we regret later in life?

Understanding time has always been a mystery. Nobody has been able to decode the language of time or how it can be perceived or governed to a limit.

“People, they change with time.”

This is a very commonly stated statement. But have you ever wondered what is the rate of the changes we undergo in our lives with respect to our age? Definitely, changes slow down as we become older. Changes are more prominent in children as compared to adults.  We all live with a sort of illusion that we now, at present, have finally become what we are meant to be. Irrespective of the age or the point of time in life we are standing at. We tend to underestimate how much our values and personalities will change in the years ahead. Even preferences, for that matter.

We make an assumption that if our preference has not changed in the previous years, it cannot possibly change in the coming years. But when we are older, we often find ourselves speaking about how our lives have changed over the years.

Why do we overestimate the stability of our current preferences?

We all have favourites. We have favourite singers, movies, books etc. But these favourites keep changing. The book you were willing to pay a 50 dollars earlier, now you wouldn’t even want to buy it any longer. Simply because, you have a new favourite book or maybe your favourite genre is no longer romance. You are more interested in a thrilling read now. Likewise, the concert you wanted to go to,  when you were in high school, paying a whopping 200 dollars, you find it a total waste now. All this happens because our preferences are unstable.

We can remember what we did ten years ago but we find it difficult to imagine what might happen to us in the future. This is because, remembering is easier than imagining.

The difficulty to imagine the future does not tell us that the future event is unlikely to take place just because we cannot imagine it happening. It just denotes the lack of imagination.

Time can alter anything.  Could be preferences, values or personalities. Only with hindsight, we realise the amount of change that has occurred to us.  We are all constantly developing, evolving and progressing. We are being unfolded slowly and gradually. We are unfinished as of now and subject to change. We are right now, as ephemeral, as fugitive and as impermanent as all the roles or characters we have ever played. The only thing constant is change. 

We are all made of memories. Memories that influence our choices. Choices that define who we are. 

Plethora of thoughts

Holding on to the nights and the memories you bought me, I’m hovering over lands of distant dreams. My eyes roving for you, i find you in my sleep. Away from reality, close to a fantasy, you sit there with quiet eyes. My sterile love shakes you off your belief and you extend your hand to reach me. Your fingers perfectly fit in my gaps.

I lead you to my town. We walk past neon lights, skyscrapers and monstrous cars. There is a small chalet, almost on the outskirts. You tickled pink at its sight. We walk inside and there’s a whole galaxy of our own. A bottle of scotch and an open nightsky. Away from the hustle-bustle, there’s just a beacon light shining through the window blinds. Abstractness around us, we try to make sense out of this fictitious world. We are not scared to break anymore. We are atoms. Tightly packed to each other, traveling in the same skin to an untouched land. There’s poetry in the winds and music in our souls.

I do not want to fall out of this figmental world. So i hold your hands closer to my delicate heart and hold my breath, hoping to never slip out of this ethereal dream. Your divine smile then smashes into my world and apocalypse hits me in the strangest way. A nebula explodes somewhere in the distance and the supernova collides with me. I’m floating in an empty space of the universe with just the thought of cheating the laws of time and space to be with you.

I have fifteen more days until my world ends. And, i do not wish to wake up from this lucid dream.

An entity

the rain poured into the dry soil
now a stranger to this moist feeling
days passed by, in just a bat of an eye
the little granules of sand must have sunk
under the mighty river
Nature, sure is strange
there’s always a mild scent of mystery
attached to every beautiful thing

drifting apart from reality
i ventured into an unknown land
a land where everything had life
the walls, the tables, the clock
and the intricate design of the floormat
the raindrops had sparkly blue eyes
and screamed when they
touched the ground
outside the window, i saw an enigmatic figure
behind the old oak tree
his eyes deep as an ocean
trying to converse in an uncomprehensible language
i looked straight into those grey eyes
and fell into a pool
of dark unfathomable water

a sudden noise, windows close
and he’s gone again
leaving behind an unreal pain
a dull twitching heartache
i turned around to grab some water
down my throat
but i saw an old lady, probably, in her nineties
she smiled at me from across
the square shaped room
“Your suffering will end if you come with us. This world is full of misery. You do not belong here. Come, come with me, to my world..”
the look in her eyes, so terrifying
my bones became feeble
i closed my eyes for a second
and she disappeared into the thin air.
i was cold
drenched in sweat
still feeling the intense pain in my entire body
as if my heart has been freshly
cut open, for some wild scary beast
to feed on it
i cried
i cried a little more
then rubbed off the tears

I grew up in the arms of the man
who taught me to be brave
like the great warriors of my land
and never to give up until
my body is nothing but
dusty grey ashes.
he told me ‘everything ceases to exist’
and i repeated it in my head
Once
Twice
Thrice, i was weak, tired
once again, my nightmares
came back to life
NO, YOU’RE NOT REAL
you’re not real
you’re N O T  R E A L
i screamed, i cried
i exhaled deeply
and stared back again
blankly, at the pale yellow
ceilings of the hospital room
the IV was getting over
the nurse came in
again, in the mirror, i saw
the dark entity
still lurking around the corner

Let’s sing out to the moon

Probably, you are asleep by now. Dreaming of some unknown land, some strange galaxies that I have no idea about. But hey, do you wonder what I would be dreaming of now? A song. A melody that you and I sing to the moon hoping there would be a glint of light at least on the shattered shards of the whiskey glass. Puffing the smoke out of our lungs, we are celebrating sadness. Sadness that is a part of us. A part of our lives. You may counter saying I have got none but let me tell you, my face might seem to be glowing but my soul is dark grey. Or the darkest shade of black. Well, this is what we were taught right? To spread a smile across our gloomy faces whenever we are blue and down. I am doing the same. May be this is what they call life. A little sugar, a little spice and a little of salt. I try a beer to forget it all, but it just washes away the pain for a while, leaving me stripped and naked in those dark gloomy lanes of solitude. I bet you think I am over our chapter but do not you dare think I am over those memories. Cause’ tonight it’s me, YOU and a thousands of those blown away memories.

Words and voices

An unbroken wall and a thousands of old rusty thoughts.

“All we need are those unuttered words. Wearing those into a beautifully woven blue dress, it shall reach our sealed lips and then romance with our voices; but these words are simply feelings swirling around the empty room of our hearts like a celestial aroma. The aroma of these unuttered words mischievously lingers around us, making us aware of it’s existence like an unhidden secret truth. What is it, a mystery or an open unread book?”

It’s like finding God

Probably, the most relaxing sound on earth is of the waves crashing onto the shore. How the waves besiege the mighty land, proving it’s infinite strength. Looking straight into the horizon, I saw the setting sun. I marvelled at the sight of the sky as it smudged an orangy hue all over the wide arena. It’s amazing how these kind of scenaries tend to awaken the romantic self in you. It’s nice to be away from all the hustle-bustle. No heavy heart, no heavy mind. Just the sound of the waves and you. I don’t remember the last time I felt the same. Maybe last year when I sat on the lap of the hilly mountains back home, shouting out to the void, trying to hear my voice echo. This sort of peace is so rare. It’s like finding God. So serene, so calm.

I walked along the beach on the sands, leaving behind deep footprints that were washed off soon enough. A tiny crab crawled out of the sand and climbed onto my left foot. It crawled across my feet to vanish under a pile of sand, again. Thereafter, I noticed many crawling in and out. They must be having a feast tonight. I pulled out my phone and searched for Elvis Presley’s “Are you lonesome tonight”. Just the right blend with this beautiful evening. His voice completed the moment. I felt so much peace within me. I was glad to have taken a day off my regular schedule and enjoy a quiet day alone.

Sometimes, all you need is yourself. You need to be just with yourself to know peace. Who else can set you free, if not you? We keep blaming each other for our worries. But why carry a burden of ill thoughts for others in your mind? There’s a popular proverb that goes like : “A bunglar can’t fit himself with good tools.” Or, “A bad worksman blames his tools.” We all have our own share of light and dark. Before pointing on the other man, let’s walk a mile in his shoes. Maybe then, the blame game will cease to end.

We keep talking about peace. But this is just like, ‘Big thunder, little rain’. Bitter but the truth, nobody has literally known peace until they have realised and felt the peace within them. When was the last time you felt at peace? I bet you don’t remember unless you have explored yourself. I might suggest you to spend a day alone. Go for a long drive with your favourite music playing on the background. Sway to that tune or hum that melody. What is the harm? Or go out, buy yourself some nice clothes and take yourself out for dinner. Or maybe just a nice walk by the beach might do. I always believed my papa, whenever he used to say that the best things in life come in small packages because I have seen myself brimming out of joy in seeking little happiness out of small things in life. And trust me when I say, that is the real treasure. Happiness is the real lottery for you. If you win it, you are the wealthiest. So embrace. Embrace the little moments. Trap it in a photograph and stick it on your diary. Or write it down. Pen down every little thing you experience or observe. Once you start loving the good things in your life, you won’t have any space to store in the bad memories. You will find happiness, serendipity and PEACE.

And, once you find peace, you WILL find God.